the X's

Do you watch the Bachelor?  I am patiently waiting for the finale, and I'm embarrassed to admit that I am excited to see what happens.  Let me state that I did not get into this show from the beginning.  I hosted one of my best friends a few weeks ago, and she got me hooked.  These women are crazy and I love it.  I mean, we all kind of are in our own special way, so it's nice and reassuring to see that not everyone out there is perfect.  I know I'm far from it.  In fits of hormonal rage, especially when I'm hungry and training for a show, I've been known to throw cinnamon rolls on the floor.  I've screamed at my boyfriends for no reason, and I'm well aware that there is a certain time of the month that everyone gets on my nerves, and EVERY commercial deserves tears.  I've been unfaithful in relationships.  I've lied to my parents.  I've hidden many mistakes from my past.  I also drop food on the floor and still eat it.

I'm not perfect.  I'm FAR from perfect.

I used to think that I wanted to be one of those girls who remains friends with her exes.  I thought it was realistic to want that.  I mean, we care about each other, why couldn't we be friends!?  Simple.  Because it's impossible.  It always hurts someone.  Feelings always get in the way, and as much as you try to deny it...you secretly want that other person to want you forever.  I know, I know...there are always exceptions.  But I've never experienced one.  I also know I'm not an expert on breakups, I've just been through some big ones.  They suck, they hurt and they are never EVER fun.

I've been on a journey of "finding myself" for the last, well...forever.  Just after High School, I was hospitalized after a breakup led me to take every pill in my mom's medicine cabinet.  Not my proudest moment, but it was a moment.  I will never forget that.  Heartbreak is the worst pain you will EVER experience.  Luckily, I had the support of my parents and some great friends who helped me move past it.  I also sought out a therapist, and although I only saw her for a short time, it was helpful.  If you ever need someone to talk to, please talk to someone.  You're too important.

My first boyfriend in college was totally different than anyone I had met before.  It was kind of exciting, and it was new.  We partied A LOT (I mean, I could drink now since I was 21), and life was a, well...party.  Our breakup was a little crazy and he went a little crazy.  Threatened me and my roommate, stalked me at work, called me all kinds of terrible things...yeah. So....that happened.

Finally, I met an amazing guy in college who I seriously thought I was going to marry.  Great group of friends, great head on his shoulders.  We had so much fun together.  He adored me.  I adored him.  But life just sort of happened with us.  Over three years, we broke up and got back together a few times, but we always seemed to find our way back to each other.  Even after I moved to San Diego, we found ourselves in each other's arms again.  I loved him.  Probably my first real love.  We were there for each other after significant deaths in our families and would skype frequently, but one day it all stopped.  Still not sure why.  I was devastated.  But eventually I moved on and he got married to someone else.  Insert more heartbreak, and more finding myself moments.

In San Diego I managed to have a few significant relationships.  I fell for a guy who broke up with me three times in six months, and then I dated one of his friends quite seriously.  That relationship really helped me see that I had some ISSUES when it came to love.  I did not love myself, I did not love others and I certainly didn't know how to let others love ME!  It wasn't until I found out that  I was going to be proposed to when I threw that relationship away.  I wasn't ready.  It was crazy because it was exactly like I was on an episode of the Bachelor.  It was what I had always dreamed of.  We had our problems towards the end, and he wasn't perfect, but there was a time when I thought, "this amazing guy wants ME!  To spend a life with ME!"  But I pushed him away and thankfully he encouraged me to start seeing a therapist.  I was convinced that I wouldn't date anyone for at least a year after that.  But of course, in true Taylor fashion, I quickly began to date again.  I had no idea that this next relationship would shape me into the woman I always dreamed I could be.  

But for a price, and it cost us both much more than a rose.

On again, off again.  Nearly three years of amazing moments.  Nearly three years of terrible moments.  The best and worst versions of myself.  We broke up a few times.  I begged for him to take me back.  I hooked up with other guys when we were apart and lied about it when we got back together.  I was selfish, I only cared about myself and I lost the respect of his friends and family.  I was the worst girlfriend.  I know I wasn't happy and I should have let him go, but I couldn't.  I think that when you hold on to something that doesn't exist anymore, you suffocate any chance there may have been.  I wanted to love him the way he loved me.  I wanted to actually let him love me.  But to me, as great of a guy as he was, there was always something missing.

 And I don't know that I'll ever be able to tell him what it was.

As I continue to write, I realize that for me, heartbreak is the deal breaker.  I've been on both sides, and neither one is awesome.  Friendship is impossible at that point.  But all we can do is learn from our mistakes, decide not to make them anymore, and do better.  I'm certainly trying this time around.  

This real life stuff is hard.

Truth or Dare?

Last night, some friends invited me to join them at the Infinite Monkey Theorem and I was stoked!  I work for a company that serves their sparkling wine on tap, and now that I am a resident of Denver, it's been on my bucket list of places to visit.  This place is ridiculously cool.  As you make your way through the venue, you'll find yourself surrounded by smiling faces drinking all sorts of "adult grape juice".  I only tried their Sauvingnon Blanc, which I did enjoy, and a decorative bonus is that the bottle design is rad.  

(This is not the bottle design I mentioned, I just think their branding is delicious.)

So, this particular Friday, they had a jazz band and swing dancers offering up lessons.  Apparently, they also offer yoga classes for $20 (glass of wine included...score!!), and all sorts of other delightful events.  My friends and I march to the beat of our own drums, and although we enjoyed either watching or participating in the dancing, we eventually made our way back to the front room.  I just so happened to walk in on a game of Truth or Dare.  Oops.

These peeps of mine can be crazy.  Actually, we ARE crazy, but in the best kind of way.  I love them. So, when it came to be my turn, I chose truth.  "SO BORING", you might be saying...but c'mon.  Let me have a warm up round!  At this point we were daring each other to do the grocery cart dance move through then entire venue solo, or to sit alone and yell, "PENIS!!", as loud as possible across the room.  I wanted a warm up.  My question caught me by surprise.  "Do you like living in Denver?", she asked.  Gosh.  I really didn't know what to say.   I hadn't really thought about it.  I mean, I've only been in Denver for three months.  "Not yet.", I replied.

Don't get me wrong.  Denver is amazing, and I'm sure the rest of Colorado is too, and I know that I will love it in good time.  I've never seen a state show so much pride.  The only exception might be Washington, where I'm originally from.  The Seahawks winning the Superbowl in 2014 was life changing for us.  

#gohawks

But, I digress.  Back to Denver. 

Let me explain.  I have already uprooted myself once before.  Back in 2008, I moved to San Diego, CA.  Prior to that move, I had never lived more than two hours away from home.  It was a big deal, moving to California, and incredibly hard to feel settled.  I'll never forget my college sweetheart telling me to "do something".  Well, I certainly did!  The transition from Washington to California was brutal.  It took me three years to feel like I had built a home there, and three years after that, to feel like I was actually home.  I wasn't always the best version of myself there, I always knew I would leave at some point, and I made a lot of mistakes...but just when I had begun to fall in love with not only myself, but my life in So-Cal...BOOM!  Life happened. 

I had/have been work for an amazing Colorado based company, and my job offered to bring me here...to Denver, Colorado.  P-R-O-M-O-T-I-O-N!!  Woo!!  THIS move has been much easier, and I'm lucky to now be working with many of the people I have built relationships with over my last three years with this company.  But, relocation still isn't easy (no matter how many people you already know). and everyday I have to remember that it takes effort to maintain these friendships.  I didn't think I would miss San Diego as much as I do and I also didn't think I would be this lonely, especially when I'm surrounded with an amazing group of people that I have already known for years.  

But this is exactly where I am supposed to be right now.  And all of the moments in my life have lead me here.  I'm forever grateful for all the people here who, I'm sure, will make me FALL IN LOVE with Denver and Colorado in no time.  And I will certainly never forget all the people and memories that have brought me to this point.

Anyway, this post got a little too "Lifetime Movie Network" for me, because sob story this is not.  But life is about the journey and right now, I might be lonely sometimes, but I'm kicking some serious bootie!! I'm super thankful for my friends, near and far, new and old, and my amazing family.  Even an old flame has recently helped me see that all I have to do is open myself up to all the amazing things this life of mine has to offer.  I finally see what it means to be the person I want to be, and now I just need to let myself be loved and seen for the person I am.  

Warts and all.